Slowing Down
My friends all rallied and we planned weekends away, nights out, beach days, fire island, concerts and so many fun memories were made. And in the midst of my first single summer in 20 something years, I found myself wanting to be alone more than ever.
So I was. I slowed down the pace at which I was seeing clients, I focused on resting and sleeping, I woke up every morning and prioritized prayer. I journaled, drummed, danced, chanted and screamed, cried more than I ever have in my life, sat by the ocean and synchronized with its waves, I started to read. I didn’t answer calls or texts until I was ready to be present in them. Turned the tv off. I enjoyed my time as a mom. I said “no” to summer sports and chose not to commit myself to doing anything but actually being with my kids.
Because somewhere along the way I forgot who I am when I’m not performing or trying to achieve perfectionism to earn someone’s love. I’m learning who I am when I’m not handing all of my power over to a significant other. I’m taking accountability for the ways that I’ve played into my own heartache. The ways that I’ve allowed myself to be treated by others. I began to trust my intuition and I became more confident in my ability to know when enough is enough. I decentered men and became really content without the constant need for validation that was exhausting me. This was a summer of romanticizing my process, allowing the healing to happen at its own pace without rushing myself to “be better” or to “get over it.” I allowed for the grief. And there is so much of it.
I’m honoring the ways in which the time this summer was completely necessary. I believe that it has deepened my ability to have compassion with myself, therefore building on my ability to hold space for the people I love and those I serve. I am pushing myself to a new edge and taking my power back, slowly. Every time I do that I am able to meet myself beyond the self protective identities, to reveal a truer version of me.
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